Top tips to manage reactions and interact with others using Internal Family Systems.
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model can seem a bit confusing at the start, as it teaches that the mind has different "parts"—exiles (vulnerable), managers (planning protectors), and firefighters (reactive protectors)—and that a compassionate, curious Self can lead them. In simple terms, by noticing and listening to these parts instead of being controlled by them, people can spot triggers, calm reactive responses, and choose wiser actions in conflicts and conversations. This improves emotional control, reduces defensive or impulsive behaviour, and makes communication, empathy, and boundary-setting clearer, so relationships rely less on automatic survival reactions and more on understanding and choice.
Yet, after a bit of consideration, here are some really useful functions:
I find myself reacting to a comment that is made and my reaction is way out of proportion to the comment. Perhaps it is in an email at work, one comment is made and I provide this long detailed defence of my position. It could be a sign that I have a protector part of me that is reacting to that comment. Gaining some awareness of this, enables me to react less in the future. When I give consideration that I have some choice about my reactions, then this can be very empowering and freeing.
The same applies to others. We make a comment that we considered quite innocent and we see this really strong reaction. Consider two responses to this. Response 1—“they are a really highly strung person”. Response 2—“there is a part of them that I can see reacting to …..”. Response 1 makes an absolute comment on them as a person. Response 2, helps me to see that everyone (myself included) have reactions to various past events/hurts in our lives and can make us more compassionate.
As outlined in the previous Blog, we are still responsible for our own behaviour however we categorise this. Yet both Melanie and Russell have found that understanding people’s reactions as parts, rather than seeing the reactions as the whole person can make us more compassionate and understanding of others. It also helps to see that I am not dealing with Person A (the difficult person) I am dealing with a part of Person A, and I recognise that Person A is dealing with parts of me, too. Such a realisation is humbling.
This is part 2 of de-mystifying IFS blog series.