“Responding compassionately to our protectors”

As outlined in the previous Blogs, protectors are parts of us that try to lessen the intense pain of an exile coming to the surface emotionally through management of our behaviours.

Some examples would include:

• Mary* was generally seen as a caring person, however there was a part of Mary that people knew not to cross.  There were certain topics or areas, that you didn’t challenge Mary on, if you did Mary could verbally cut you down quickly.  If Mary was able to talk through this issue openly with someone she trusted, it may be that this is a fire-fighter type of protector.  Mary’s protector learnt this strategy to ensure she doesn’t feel the intensity of the emotional pain that she once experienced.  Again, if Mary was to feel comfortable to explore this protector with an IFS trained therapist, it may reveal that Mary learnt this strategy in her teenage years or earlier and has worked hard in its role to keep Mary safe.  For those only seeing Mary’s reaction they might be wary of Mary as they don’t know the underlying cause, or when the protector reaction will emerge.

• Bill* was a good listener.   When people enquired how Bill was, sometimes Bill would answer and sometimes Bill deflected the question back to them. As people often appreciate a good listener they continue on with their story.   However, some (and particularly those close to Bill) feel as if they don’t really know Bill.   This could because Bill has engaged a manager.  A manager in IFS terms is a way of managing interactions so that the pain of an exile is avoided.  If you were to explore this with Bill, and Bill was open to talking about this, it might date back to early experiences, where Bill became vulnerable and he was hurt deeply.  It is easier for Bill’s manager part to continue to manage interactions rather than Bill to become vulnerable in his relationships with other people.

So, what’s the problem?

If we all do this, what is the problem with this?    Managers and fire-fighters can protect us from pain.   In IFS the role that managers and fire-fighters have played are respected.  

Managers and fire-fighters may have been really helpful strategies in our earlier years, however we may want to invite them to play a different role as we get older.   Mary may want to find a different strategy for dealing with emotional threats, that will result in less confronting behaviour and will lead to less social rejection.  Bill may still choose to enquire of others but may choose to reveal more of himself to enhance social connection and foster deeper and more meaningful relationships.

IFS is non-shaming

IFS is respectful of all parts of us. In fact, the author of the IFS therapy model, Richard Schwartz wrote a book called, ‘No Bad Parts’. IFS enquires respectfully about the roles that all of our parts have played in our lives, and invites reflection, rather than advice giving or lecturing about the role that parts play, and have played.   Both Melanie and Russell have completed an introduction to IFS course, and a deepening course, which means that we are IFS informed.   Melanie is able to apply IFS principles to her individual counselling work and Russell to the relationship context.

Counselling clients have told our team that IFS is ‘powerful’ and that they have enjoyed getting to know parts of themselves in a safe and supportive therapy session. We look forward to journeying with you in living out your best life.

* These characters are fictional